I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
