You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
