Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
