Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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