Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
