What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
