Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
