my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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