she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
