Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
