We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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