I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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