I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
