I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
