I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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