Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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