oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
