I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
