How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
