I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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