I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
