i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
