I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
