Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
