Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
