You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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