the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
