mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
