Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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