i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
