There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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