I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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