I met the friendliest cop last night
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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