Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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