thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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