3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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