i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
