I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
