oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
