I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
