I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
