Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
