Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
