i think my tv is drunk
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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