i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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