My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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