I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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