I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
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