can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
