Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
