my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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