The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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