Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
