so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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