I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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