Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
