some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Randomize
