my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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