I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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