Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Did I show you my penis last night?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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