she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
